The child is dead.

What a classy devil!

The other day, my friend asked me what my favourite type of horror movie was. I told him that ghosts scare me the most, zombies satisfy my gore-tooth, but I also really like movies about Satan. The only problem is is that I haven't really seen any...good movies about Satan.
     The Omen (1976) is one of the few that is good, if not great. While it did not contain a virgin girl breaking her own bones so that she may tie herself in knots (a huge plus in any Satanic verse), Damien, our reincarnate of Satan, is an evil, evil child. He was a more subtle Satan, I would say, since his parents didn't immediately jump to the conclusion of having an exorcism performed. Instead, he frightened and agitated animals, made people commit suicide, and attempted (and follow through) with murdering his own family members. Friggen rad, if you ask me. Harvey Stephens performance was incredible for a young boy. With virtually no lines, his main acting was with facial expressions and body language. Oh, and screaming. It's a great way to not have to go to church.
     The zoo scene was the scariest for me. Scaring off the giraffes is one thing, but having your car attacked by a pack of angry baboons? I can't think of any other animal so vile as a monkey. I can't stand them as creatures. Of course they are evil. They are disgusting creatures. I hated that whole scene. Case closed.

Look at those cheeeeks! He's just too cute!

     Has anyone seen The Swimmer? I know, I know, easily the worst representation of Hell the world has ever seen. But to anyone who has seen it, is the last scene, when he finds that house (with the weakest gate in the world in front of it) overgrown with vines, and a storm is crashing through...is that a direct reference to The Omen, or did something come before that? The two scenes are practically identical, save for the strange impaling of a priest. Speaking of deaths, the last character who dies has a surprisingly gruesome death. I didn't know the seventies had such horrors. 
     Here's to my sweet Satan.

Ok baby, let's see those boobies.

I have this book, it's called How to Survive a Horror Movie, by Seth Grahame-Smith. It's hilarious, insightful, and helpful in the months of July and October. If you haven't read it, check it out this Halloween season. It's short, sweet, and very much to the point. It covers just about every type of horror movie, but what about when the movie itself is just about every type of horror? Maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion, but this movie is well designed. The more you know about the genre, the better this movie must be. I'm probably at a 102, possibly a 201 level of horror, and I still enjoyed this movie so much. Ladies and Gentlemen (all thirty billion of you), I give you The Cabin in the Woods.

These guys...

     The plot is simple. Five kids go to a, well, a cabin in the woods which is rigged with all sorts of traps. The traps are set by this company of some sort (that has competition all around the world), who watch them like spies. They've got switches and levers and all sorts of buttons to alter the cabin, summon monsters, and put drugs into the air they breath. They even hired a creepy old man to reside in a closed-down gas station, warning them not to go to that cabin ("I have the Harbinger on Line 2!"). In essence, they are the directors of the "movie". But what of the cast?
     Dana: The Virgin. We don't see her tits.
     Jules: The Slutty Bimbo Blonde. We see her tits. She gets killed.
     Curt: The Jock. Jules's boyfriend. He also sees Jules's tits. He gets killed. Here's why you know straight away, as taken from How to Survive a Horror Movie: Curt says, directly, "we can cover more ground if we split up". Horror Movie says "you forgot to add 'with blood' between 'ground" and "if'".
     Marty: The Stoner. Now, what's with this guy? He's clearly just a live-action Shaggy, minus a great dane. He smokes weed all day (erryday), with cheesy lines about conspiracy, being too high, and "I'm going to go read a book with pictures." I understand making the Stoner a dumb character (and thereby subtly telling audiences that smoking pot is bad), but dude, smoking pot saves his life. His bong is..well, pretty amazing. I can't find a picture of it online that doesn't totally spoil it, so check check it. Also, he is the first character I have seen in YEARS (aside in lower-budget films) who actually exhales smoke on screen.
     Holden: I don't know, some sociology major who makes out with Dana. I think he's supposed to be the hot-nerd or something.

I laughed pretty hard.

     A typical Slasher group, but the ones with the knives are the least of their worries. The company running the show has a collection of every type of ghoul on the market, including what appears to be a guy who tried to make out with a Robo-Geisha. It makes for quite a long-lasting climax.
     Remember when I said that this company has competition? They're competing with Japan, go figure, and the Japanese have a "ghost" haunting a classroom with a scary Asian ghost (the most horrific type of ghost!). "How hard is it to kill a group of nine year olds?" In the end, though (minor spoiler), they girls dance in a circle, sing some happy song, and the ghost turns into a frog. Where the f-ck were these girls when I was having nightmares?
    
     One last thing: I loved who survives in the end.

Welcome to Terrorverse!

     I know I never write posts anymore, but the truth is is that I'm not really into watching movies until October rolls around and suddenly, everyone around me wants to watch horror movies. Thank Christ, because my house of twelve people all have been watching Snow White and the Huntsmen and have wondered why I won't join them. Anyway, to kick us off, I'm going to list my top ten horror flicks (you'd be surprised by what I haven't seen).
    10. Evil Dead 2: Come on, a classic! It's campy, it's supernatural, and duh chainsaw arm. Nothing else matters.
     9. Creepshow: I found this movie pretty tight, but my best friend's reaction is what makes this movie priceless. A movie containing mini-movies (with Steven King as an actor in one of them), she nearly barfed her brains out and screamed from the last one. I couldn't stop laughing, and for that, this movie holds a special place in my heart.

True story, my friend.

     8. Freaks: I didn't realize this was horror until recently. Packed with real, actual sideshow freaks, and filmed in the 1930s, audiences were flipped out across the nation (or where ever the movie played at the time). Even some of the "freaks" were appalled upon seeing this film. In short: it's a love story between a "freak" and an anatomically normal woman. She's in it for the money, he's in it for the love, and upon meeting her in-laws, so to speak, they welcome her with the most famous line of the movie. One of us, one of us, gooble gobble gooble gobble!  She uh, doesn't take it too well.
     7. Braindead: Not Dead Alive which is the American remake. Fact: Bloodiest movie of all time, and also pretty funny. I'm scared to give anything away, for this movie has a sex scene I never thought I'd see, a priest who really does kick ass for the Lord, and heaven all mighty the lawn mower. Side note: Back in high-school, the typical dinner-and-a-movie date between my highschool sweetheart and myself, this was a popular vote.

He should have just said yes.

     6. Pontypool: Also a book and a radio play, Pontypool is the smartest zombie movie I've seen. Sometimes too smart for me, but I take that as a challenge. Brilliant plot with, I'll admit, an "obtuse ending" as my friend put it.
     5. The Loved Ones: High school prom movie. With torture. Horrible, horrible torture. Try putting salt in a wound. Amplify times a trillion. The Loved Ones.
     4. Paranormal Activity. I am not kidding I ran into the kitchen (but you could still see the TV from my viewpoint) and started cussing up a storm because I was so scared at the end.
     3. Saw I and II. The rest suck, but holy sh-t the first two are amazing. The endings to them are awesome, and the brutality is through the roof. The needle pit, as shown, is the only time I almost threw up while watching a movie. I crave for that feeling again.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE DISGUSTING?

     2. The Sixth Sense. Not only is this movie thrilling and beautiful to watch, but I have a strange story about when I saw it in theatres. My friend's dad took us to the movies. We saw The Sixth Sense, and it was scary, whatever. But, on our way home, he drove us into a forest, left the car for thirty or so minutes, and I can't remember what happened in the car, but I just remember all of a sudden riding home. What?

I was afraid to even look up a picture.

     1. The Ring: The one and only reason why this movie is number one is because I'm still afraid of it. I was scared when I was 12, and I'm 21 now. I haven't slept in a room with a TV for nine years now. I know for a fact that I have seen this movie at least fifteen times within the first year it came out, and I will never watch this movie again.

There you have it. Hopefully this month will be more productive.

Who are you pretending to be?

SPOILER ALERT:

Don't read this if you haven't seen the movie. Duh.

     Before I get started on my Dark Knight Rises review, I'd just like to say that I really used to enjoy going to midnight (or should I say...midknight!) showings of movies. Midnight showings meant the one showing that the nerdiest of nerds went to, and we could all bond in our love for a friggen movie that we had been waiting for what felt like all of our lifetimes combined. A good number of us would be dressed up, and standing in line could be a five hour event. It was an experience. Living in Seattle, I've come to terms with the fact that midnight showings now mean show up thirty minutes before the movie, and once there, the movie theatre is filled with obnoxious, elitist hipsters (do they come in any other flavour?) who are probably only there to later boast that they went to a showing of a movie that doesn't even exist anymore. Fucking hipsters. I wish, though, that the hipsters were all I had to complain about.
     Christopher Nolan, what happened? I thought you could do no harm. And this is the second time I've seen a movie of his that I actually had low expectations for before going into it. That's right. I expected to not like The Dark Knight Rises. I cringed at the news of Catwoman, and would have preferred Killer Kroc over Bane any day. But that discussion is no longer relevant. The Dark Knight Rises has already been made and seen and all of my hopes for it making my life a better place (which is what it seems to have done for all of my friends on Facebook) are gone. Alright, Aunty, what's your deal?
     Plot: As my friend Ben put it, the movie feels too written. I know that's silly to say because it actually was written, but everything fell too neatly into place at the very end. I understand that's one of the magics of movies. You make something seem unimportant so that when it is important you can catch the audience off guard. But Nolan wasn't very...good...at deciding what deserves weight and what doesn't (I'm even tempted to say that he was a bit Kafkaesque. Importance and unimportance were shot into the wind at some points...). My biggest complaint, and this will tie into another aspect of the movie later down the line of this way-too-long review, was when Bane blew up the football stadium, and he says that blah blah, the bomb could go off kind of whenever, but one of the citizens of Gotham has the device to blow everything up! Now, if you lived in a city like that, wouldn't you, as a person, try to find that person? That fact alone, in my brain, should have driven the city into a state of madness and chaos. This should have caused so much social chaos that Gotham would have destroyed itself before the bomb could. And that was the point, right? To destroy Gotham? Whatever. One more thing: I bet you ten bucks that if everyone in the movie had just stayed in Gotham, we could have shaved an hour off of this movie, or replaced it with better action and deep dialogue/quippy one liners. Instead, everyone was just scattered. Boo.

You'll find that lots of people shoot other people before taking the gun away.

     Realism: Hey, Nolan, you're all about this, yeah? That's why you didn't pick someone like Poison Ivy, or Mr. Freeze, yeah? I only bring this up since everyone and their mom enjoyed telling me this fact. Oh, Nolan is creating such a real Gotham. Oh, Batman is so realistic. Oh, Mr. Nolan doesn't like using special effects. Oh, His Holiness Nolan wouldn't dream of using CGI, and that's why he killed Two-Face before he could really flesh him out as a villain. Well, you know what? Shut the fuck up. The Bat made no sense. And neither did the fact that you can keep men alive for however many months in a cave with no escape. If you can fit a box through a hole, you can fit a man through it as well. But we'll just stick to passing notes. Also, how the fuck did Bruce Wayne get back to Gotham City after escaping that pit in the middle of nowhere? And I'm calling bullshit on Jonathan Blake for his logic in correctly guessing Batman's identity.
     Catwoman: Alright. Look. Anne Hathaway ended up making a great Catwoman, but (and this is a big, black-latex one!) Catwoman is still a worthless villain. She really only commits petty acts of robbery, and she makes out with Bruce Wayne and Batman. Romance is just stupid, ok? Ugh, there, I said it.
     Bane: He was also done very well! I THOUROUGHLY enjoyed any time that man used his fists. Especially when he bashes Batman's mask in. Irreversible, anyone? (Yes, this is my second Christopher Nolan review, and in both of them I referenced that movie. Watch it if you haven't seen it. It's good. Messed up, but good.) But why did he have some weird accent, and why did his voice have to be so distorted to the point that I couldn't understand some of his dialogue? Bane had a lot of good writing to him (even if I didn't really believe what he was saying). And why did it have to be Tom Hardy? I'm tired of seeing the cast of Inception. Please, put them to rest, Nolan. Bane also wasn't cruel enough. The Joker was made of pure evil that had no purpose other than to exist. And that's scary. Bane? Not evil, not really full of substance. Not really filled with anything other than lost love. That's what Mr. Freeze is for, son. Bane's character was flushed under all of the plots going on. They didn't even mention why he wears the mask. Ugh.

I actually thought Two-Face was going to make it.

     Remember when they (the writers) tried to set up that Bane might just be Ra's al Ghul's son? I present a question to my millions of readers: Did you assume Nolan was trying to change the canon, or were you thinking to yourself, you can't fool me, asshole. Because I definitely was thinking that to myself. Nolan, how dare you. What a stupid trick to try to play on me and every other Batman fan in the world.

     What I liked about The Dark Knight Rises: Scarecrow! That's it!
     Also, prove me wrong! But I'm pretty sure the word "rises", in that form and others, was used four times in the movie, in reference to light, war, darkness, and Bruce ("What are they saying?" "Rise.").

I like rocks. I LOVE ROCKS.

Alright. ALRIGHT. Last night, I went to see Prometheus with a very good friend of mine, Chris. Him and I had very different perspectives going into the movie, and I think it's safe to say that we had different (but not terribly different) feelings upon coming out of it. Chris is well versed in the Alien movies, and I, not so much. If you didn't know (but you probably did), Prometheus is a prequel to Alien. A distant prequel, at that, but a prequel none the less. Chris claims that I didn't miss out on a lot, but I felt like the only kid who didn't get the joke.

     Starting in the year 2089, a group of anthropologists discover a star system as depicted in ancient cave paintings, art, and even Egyptian hieroglyphs, that, without the proper technology, should have remained undiscovered by man. A few years later, with the crew waking from a long-term stasis, we find ourselves on a planet that at best, could be described as "very far away." I can't remember the exact number, but it was something times ten to the power of fourteen. That's a lot of zeros. Anyway, we get here, pretty much on the assumption that whatever lives here, we humans are direct decedents (or creations, pick as you please) of them.
      Once this movie gets started (and it's not a slow beginning by any means), it almost never stops. The movie hooks you from the start (well, except for that opening scene. What was that about? Neither of us were sure, even after sleeping on it...thoughts?), and very quickly spirals out of control. With every character having their own agenda, there's never something not happening. Believe me, the middle hour and thirty minutes (it's a two hour movie), were really f*cking cool. If there's anyone who laughs with delight at the sight of people getting...oh my gosh, I don't want to spoil any of the alien violence. I will say, though, that Chris found it very interesting getting to see all of these new and different breeds (if that's the right word?) of aliens (I had no idea what was old and what was new). This movie goes above and beyond with alien-on-human violence. I can't stress that enough. Elizabeth Shaw (the main character)'s first personal encounter with an alien is why I am proud to be a woman. Fun fact: Back when my parents still liked each other enough to go on dates, my dad took my mother to go see Alien while pregnant with my brother. m.brown, I hope you knew that. 

I was amazed at how well they could run in these suits.

     Believe me, there is a lot you can say about this movie. The characters were really cool, even if it took me a while to get used to their unorganized ways (I've been spoiled with Star Trek, in which every away-team is organized, disciplined, and trained to stick together and they always keep an eye on their android. Never, ever, lose track of yours!). I even gave Chris a quick rant (I say "gave" like he had a choice, but he's a good listener) about how this movie must have been so different and terrifying from a man's perspective, all while throwing titles such as The Exorcism, Teeth, and House of Leaves in his direction, as well as Greek myths. But I think I will save that topic for another day. The music was classic. I'm a sucker for sharp violins to build tension. Also, the song David plays early on in the movie as well as the song played during the credits? Frederic Chopin's "Raindrop" Prelude, Op. 28 No. 15. Raindrops. I mentally high-fived myself for catching that itty-bitty Easter Egg. Speaking of surprises, I felt like this movie was filled with them for the more hard-core fans, especially a lot of David's lines (I mean, he spent two years or whatever by himself. Do you know how many movies he could have watched? How many tv shows he watched? I would give all of my internal organs to become an android...). But I could be wrong. Oh, and props to books still existing in the future, even if you have to be the daughter of a billionaire to have an entire bookshelf of them.

Are you fucking kidding me? And I thought the Jem'Hadar were intense...

     So what qualms did I have with the movie? First off: The beginning. Like I said, what was that all about? Second, I missed a lot of the why things were happening bit. I might have been caught up in a daze by the visuals. Maybe I was overwhelmed because I was sitting in the second fucking row of the theatre. I don't fucking know. You know what else I didn't like? The alien ship main computer. The initial step of..logging in (?) was really stupid. Chris tried to tell me, "Come on! It's like Zelda!" but I didn't buy it. The computer as a whole didn't make any sense. How could any single creature use this? Especially from a chair? Which, by the way, this whole room was set up in a way that was bizarre. I mean, who sits at a table in a chair to activate another chair that comes out of the table that was also kind of being used as a floor? Fucking aliens. 
     You know how people say that you can't complain about realism in a movie filled with unrealistic things? Well you can. I made this argument in Attack the Block [review]. Just because aliens are running rampant, doesn't mean you can ignore basic and logical science. To put it vaguely, with the way she ran, I forgot about her staples. Bitch would have bleed to death before accomplishing the feats that she did.

     I also feel like this movie seemed rushed at times, which leads me to my final point. Maybe this is because I haven't seen the first Alien, but before I knew it, the credits were rolling, and I just thought, "Wait, that's it?" And that was the feeling that I carried as I walked from the theatre. Where did the excitement go? Where did the tension go? Suddenly, a wild Ending appears! You cannot attack; only flee! I don't know, but the ending kind of...injured my overall gusto. 
     Chris's final words: As a man who favors continuity, Prometheus is an excellent addition to the Alien universe. Stylistically, the movie was nostalgic, with it's rag-tag crew, facing a very large, and very brutal crisis. His recommendation: If you like Sci-Fi horror, watch it.

No matter how crippled, female, or black.

Remember being a kid, and your parents would take you to rated R movies? Oh, man, maybe you had the cool parents that would drop you off at an R rated movie, and you thought you were so cool (like talking about dirty things in the concession line with your fellow school boy cool). I mean, come on, your parents are allowing you to break the f-cking law. Ok, that's not what they are really doing (unless they drop you off, then that's exactly what they are doing), but man. I can only think of one rated R movie that I got to see, without an adult. Hannibal. I was eleven.
     I could go on about this topic for a while, but let's face it. I'm a whopping 21. Children, especially prepubesent ones fear and revere me. So on Sunday, I did the ticket buying. I got my own snacks (ok, I got my own popcorn, and my friend bought most of our snacks at a Bartells down the road). I watched The Dictator. I didn't see Bruno, but I did see Borat. Seeing as how this is Sacha Baron Cohen's...thing...I expected a movie that my brothers and friends would remind me that you can't unsee things. I guess, because of that, I went in with expectations that were..a bit..high. And no, silly billy, I'm not making a marijuana reference, but truth be told, it might have made the movie funnier.
     For the first part of the movie, our main man Admiral General Aladeen is the dictator of Wadiya. As an awful, self-absorbed douchebag, he's not very offensive. His humor is dark, yes, executing people left and right like he's just trying to swat a fly out of the air, but it is still simply comedic. All the little boys in the audience thought he was hilarious. I found his dialogue...Aladeen.

There aren't a lot of jokes that don't include his index finger.

      But the magic wore off fast. As soon as he lost his beard and donned a feminism whateverthefuck shirt that he found in a bin somewhere off screen, I was no longer impressed. Look, this doesn't mean I didn't laugh. Because I did! As a regular comedy, this movie is pretty alright! I enjoy slapstick (especially sudden slapstick) to be friggen hilarious. I could watch him throw (and I'm positive this was in the trailer) that trash can into that taxi forever. When he is both offensive and abusive, I laughed the most. I mean, come on, is this a boy or an abortion? 
You know what? Props to the entire pregnant scene. That was a bit offensive. 

I think that's about it. Oh, I would also like to give a huge props to the writers for making a movie about current events that even I could follow. To be frank (but you can call me Aunty), I don't...exactly read the news every day. Ok? Ok. I said it. There.
One last thing: Wost Edward Norton cameo ever.

He's adopted.

This was my face the whole movie

GO SEE THE AVENGERS.

You know how dudes like to look at boobs? Same thing for me. Same thing.

Note: There are two scenes after the credits. I missed the second one.